My Trial

Hello Nine Days, how can I use you properly?

It happens to be that this week I've experienced a rude awakening. I've needed to use a lot of personally and social strength to fight against the tide and remain on track. Even with all of these efforts, I'm not sure that success will be my outcome, though i can only hope, pray, and try harder, to see that it will be. Until then, I'd like to share my experience with you, though the details will not be disclosed as it is a personal matter.

I have had a battle of internal struggle, these are think are the most difficult kind. It was one where emotions were pulling and threatening to drown my logic and 'smarts.' It was hard to say that I truly know what to do, and how that decision would continuously affect my future decisions, but that my heart wanted to do what was wrong. I knew in my mind what was best, my intuition told me how i should act, but my heart was giving a dieing battle for what it wanted.

I must stress that the hardship was not only the internal battle but the clarity to which i KNEW what to do and the clarity to which i FELT to do the opposite. And i could see that it was bad, to follow my emotions, and that more struggle might come as a cause of it, but regardless, i was almost willing to lose myself to win my heart.

Thanks to a VERY stubborn friend who sat by me and continuously addressed the real issues, that which my head knew well, i was able, i hope, to keep on track and do what was logically and hashkafically right to do. I must thank her, it could be that through her my 'life' was saved and that much pain was lost. Thank you.

Thank you for not letting me persuade you, as i was myself, and for being the sliach to help my to stay on track :D

Today, as i walked to school, i saw that the year ahead might be more difficult then the one behind. I don't know why, but the things i feared to occur last year are happening now. I hope that they will stop or that i will regain my strength so that i am no longer tried by these issues, and therefore don't notice them anymore.

I now recite my goals to myself and remind myself of why i am here and what i really want to accomplish, i hope that with this i will be able to keep the TRUE goals in mind.

I found it 'lovely' that this test transpired during the Nine Days. I hope that, if this was a test, i won and proved my loyalty, if not then i must try all the more harder for next time.

I wish everyone hatzlacha, may we all emerge as white as snow and pure in heart.